The Bachelor Week 5: Power Ranking the 5 Most Desperate Contestants

This is the week we’ve been waiting for, our first to be continued! TBC on this show always means that something crazy happened, and we weren’t disappointed. But before we get there, I appreciated Meghan’s speech about going to Sante Fe. The whole time she was talking about the “culture shock” and how she wondered if people wore sombreros down there, and I was thinking, “Does this girl think she’s going to Mexico?” She did. Bless her heart.

1. Carly:

Almost forgot about Carly’s existence but Chris finally threw her a bone and gave her a one-on-one. Chris basically admitted that he’s probably not sexually attracted to Carly, so why not take her to a sexpert?

The “love guru” likes to watch.

Then, they assaulted America’s eyes, rolling around in white linen while being cleansed with incense. We all learned a bit too much about intimate touch, especially when Chris had to stand behind her as she did downward dog, followed by some guided undressing. Carly also proved to be the reason we need to stop using the word “like.” Telling like the story of like her ex-boyfriend like was like the hardest thing like I ever had to listen to like worse than like I imagine like Whitney reading like the dictionary.

All first dates should end like this.

2. Whitney:

Her face was everything during fight with Ashley I.

This week she proved that she wasn’t a mean girl! When Jordan, the drunkie he sent home too soon returned, every other girl wanted to be mean to her but especially Ashley I. (Sidebar: Jordan looked good. And this was the first time she was able to form a coherent sentence!) Whitney used her mousy, high-pitched vocals to subdue the girls into being kind. And for that, she got a rose.

3. Jade:

 Awww, the black box reminds me of Jillian. #missed

The best thing she’s done all season was fall into the water while white water rafting. She has a “condition” that makes her cold really easily and cuts off the circulation to her feet and hands. And for that, Chris rubbed her feet while the other vultures watched. Mackenzie commented on the scenario and wished she had the condition too. She would use it so he could rub her ass — forward-thinking, that one.

4. Britt:

Finally, our waitress from Hollywood is back in his numba one spot. Chris wakes her up in the middle of the night to take her on a hot air balloon ride. Lucky for him, Britt’s defining trait is that she wears makeup to bed so she needed almost no time to get ready. She just had to put on her dirty socks! There’s no mystery that he’s attracted to her since they’ve been making out since day one, and last night he closed the doors so they could take a “nap” together. The real mystery about Britt is how is her skin not broken out? Apparently, she doesn’t shower, which all the girls were sure to gossip about. Also, how does her makeup not smudge on the pillow? And how does the mascara and eyeliner not gunk up while she’s sleeping? So many questions.

Due to Kelsey’s shenanigans, we don’t know who went home, so for that she gets a top 5 spot. Well played.

5. Kelsey:

The despair is way too real.

My favorite thing about her had to be the moment where SHE COULDN’T REMEMBER WHAT HER HUSBAND DIED FROM. Are you serious, woman??? She was the most nonchalant about it, only to use it to save her ass from going home or so we think. Kelsey was the reason for our to be continued, since she proceeded to have some type of attack that led to her needing an EMT. Is she faking it? Not quite believing homegirl. But congrats to her for becoming the official villain of the season! She was eerily scary as she said, “Isn’t my story amazing??? I love my story!!!” The Ashleys have nothing on her.