Festival season is almost upon us, which means that it’s time to start dusting off the ‘ol flower crown already. If you’re having trouble deciding where to take your jorts and crocheted bikini top this spring, this is the definitive guide to choosing the fest that’s best for you. Let’s be honest — most of the fests have crazy similar line-ups, so it’s up to you which path you take into the muddy pit.
Coachella
Do you do well camping? It’s fine if you don’t, because this weekend is mostly about rubbing shoulders with A-listers in the desert while trying illicit substances and wearing designer clothing (or maybe just the knockoffs). It might be sold out, but where there’s a will, there’s a way — and this is the most exclusive place to wear boots in 100+ degree weather while listening to bands you’ve never heard of. Best news? Every single child star will be there, drink in hand, sweating profusely in their fringed suede vest.
Bonnaroo
Are you from the south? It’s far way easier to travel a couple of hours by car, instead of hopping on a private jet to join a bunch of teen queens in Indio. (Although, if a private jet’s an option, you should always take that one.) If you’re a fan of Birkenstocks, Chacos, and other festival footwear, this one is calling your name.
Governor’s Ball
Spending the summer in New York City like Blair Waldorf? Grab your best Urban Outfitters ensemble and pretend it’s vintage, because you’re going to the Governor’s Ball (and no, it’s definitely not as fancy as the title might lead you to believe). Prepare for long lines, long days, and a long commute, no matter where you’re coming from. You’ll definitely spot at least one celebrity in the mega-expensive VIP tents, though, so it’s ultimately worth it.
Ultra
If you like to rave your face off and aren’t afraid of Molly, this is the trip for you. Spend time at Liv and party with the Miami Heat — before you know it, you’ll feel just like Will Smith, only way more into PLUR. Who needs hipster bands, man buns, and lumersexuals, when you could enjoy overrated DJs in the sun?
Hangout Fest
If you’re into southern frat stars masquerading as hippies and hipsters, the beach is calling your name. It’s the perfect fest to focus on your tan, and listen to bands that sound like Jack Johnson, no matter what they’re playing. There’s no need to worry about finding the perfect festival fashion, because you’ll be in a bathing suit and norts for the next couple of days.
Jazz Fest
If you love Hand Grenades, Hurricanes, and more jazz than indie, head over to New Orleans. There’s No Doubt, Hozier, and 100 degree heat. After sweating all day, you can fill up on Crawfish Monica and an icy cold Mango Freeze while bopping to Big Freedia — and Big Freedia Queen Diva just can’t be beat.
