The Bachelor Weeks 7 & 8: Power Ranking the Top 6

There were FIVE HOURS, of Bachelor content on this week. Let’s just take a moment to think about how many mini kisses Chris gave in five hours or how many times the words “future” or the phrase “looking for my wife” were used. Or how many times was Chris speechless? He always seems like the cat has his tongue because homeboy never knows what to say. He’s always trying to hold on to thoughts that I’m not sure he really has. But this week there were a lot of bombs drops, and Chris did something I never thought would happen: he made me proud. But before we get to that glorious moment, here’s what happened in part one:

“Any girl would be so lucky, soooo lucky to have Chris.”

The first part of the show belonged to Carly. Specifically, Carly and her vendetta against Britt. Her and the rest of the girls think Britt is fake but she’s the one who has championed ruining Britt’s facade of liessssss. These girls don’t watch enough reality TV or they would know that every time you get obsessed with ruining another person, then you’re probably going home too. No one wants to marry a snitch. But still, seeing her call Britt out was everything.

As the night continued, Carly only found more reasons to hate Britt, especially after she suggested that they take a road trip to Chris’s town after he took Jade there on a date. Taking an impromptu trip was a totally “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” moment but then they saw his hometown….

So. Much. Corn.

Chris was not lying when he said he lived in the middle of nowhere. When he took Jade on the date there, he told her that his father’s favorite coffee shop wasn’t a real coffee shop. It was just an old storefront that some random dude would open up in the morning and put a fresh pot of coffee on. It was actually kind of sad to think about when Chris said that technology took all the jobs there but I do not watch the Bachelor for lessons in 21st century economics and opportunities, so we won’t dwell on that.

Happening “downtown” Arlington.

Kaitlyn really described Arlington best with

“Welcome to Arlington, you must pop out babies” (because no one else is here.)

From that point on the episode pretty much focused on how everybody but Britt would be cool living there and how she lied to him about it. These girls are sweet to think that America would really believe that they’d all be cool with apart from Britt. But as Carly said, Britt is the prettiest one in the room so she must be taken down.

“There will be nothing left but her rose colored lipstick.”

Carly went after that girl and exposed her lies but Britt was the one who really put the nail in the coffin with her snap over him giving Kaitlyn the group rose over her.

ABC even cued the horror music!

The first part left off with Britt’s future in the balance but come on, we all knew she was going home. You don’t question the bachelor ever. It’s pretty much the only true rule of this show. Duhhhhhh. Britt interrupted him during the rose ceremony to eliminate herself and this is the moment where Chris finally found his words!!!

And he got some bass in his voice!!!!

Never thought I’d see the day. Baby boy learned to speak. And Britt went home.

And her make-up finally came off!

And Carly went home too, but for an episode she was my number one for being a badass snitch. Not missed, but not forgotten.

With only four left that means only one thing: HOMETOWN VISITS!!! Everyone’s hometown was better than where Chris lives and it was kinda sad to see what they’d have to give up to live with him. These girls deserve to be ranked by biggest sacrifice:

Whitney

She lives in Chicago and has a full life as a fertility nurse. We learned that she has no parents and wants a family badly but girl, there MUST be a man in the windy city. She took him to her job and there’s no way she could do that in Arlington, unless she switched to cows.

That’s a baby being made, y’all.

The best part of the whole thing is when she showed him how she’s borderline crazy herself and took him to the masturbation room.

Where’s Jade’s copy of Playboy? Prime opportunity missed ABC.

Whitney’s officially in lurve with him. Idk how but she claims she is.

Kaitlyn

Apparently, it’s too cold to visit Canada so she took him to her parent’s house in Arizona. Nothing really interesting happened with them because they’re Canadian, therefore nice. But if she did move to Arlington she’d be giving up all her awesome studio time!

Sure, he can barely speak, but that doesn’t mean he can’t rap! (He can’t.)

But you know what, Kaitlyn can’t articulate feelings either, so maybe they are perfect together.

Her guard is officially down. *symbolic*

Becca

There is nothing in Becca’s life except for the fact that she is a virgin. That is clear now, thanks to her big sis.

“Becca is not an intimate person.”

By moving to Arlington, Becca would be giving up her virginity THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES HER VALUE AS A PERSON. That’s the take away.

Jade

On the opposite side of that, is Jade. She’s a “wild Mustang” as her bro described her. Thanks creepy bro! Her whole family spent their time alluding to her nudes in Playboy, and that might have been creepier than Becca’s virginity shaming. Her dad made his wish for her sound like a state motto when he wanted her to “live free but loved.” I will take that and embrace it as my own. Jade finally told Chris about her pictures and he reacted just the way I thought he would: speechlessness. She made it even better when she not only showed him the pics but the video too!

“You could have this every night!”

And for that, she went home. No, she really didn’t have the strongest connection with him anyway but awkward timing on her part!