We’re three weeks into thing, so it seemed like it was about time to figure out which girls are truly in the running for Farmer Chris’s heart. Or, more accurately at this point, who does Farmer Chris want to bang the most?
Before we start, I do have to give ABC mad props for involving Jimmy Kimmel. Calling the girls sister wives was #amazing, as was making the #amazing jar for anyone who overused the word (AKA EVERYONE ON THIS DAMN SHOW). Also, let’s bow down to him for bringing up the effed up sexual politics so casually over a steak dinner. Whatta guy.
I’m only ranking the top five because let’s be honest, if you’re not in the top five on this show then you might as well be dead or fat, which is probably seen as the same fate to many of the girls on this show.
1. Whitney
If there were voice transplant surgeries, I would pay for hers myself. I have no money but I would find a way to make it happen because she needs it. She is sweet, and she has a real job but her voice makes me want to cut my ears off and not in the name of art a la Picasso. But she is genuine, gosh darnit. Genuine apparently means crashing a wedding and citing YOLO as a valid excuse to be an ass hat.
This has been the most staged date of the season, but I appreciate the producers for embracing the batshit quality of this show. Also, props to her for being okay with being his fake fiancée, which is just wrecked on so many levels. They did seem to vibe on the dance floor, and by that I mean they both looked like lunatics. And he gave her a rose he stole from that couple’s floral arrangements! This girl is final four potential for sure.
2. Kaitlyn
This girl has been a slow-burner but I like her more and more each week. She’s the only girl who wouldn’t have a diva-sized meltdown at having her one-on-one date at a Cotsco. Like Farmer Chris, I find myself wondering why in the hell would she want him?! Did you see the grunge flannel/midriff shirt/thigh high slit skirt she wore on their date?? That girl does not belong on a farm. And in the back of his mind, it’s clear that he knows that. But then, she surprised us all with the reveal that she’s dated farmers before! Legit farmers! With cows! Is this girl on Farmers Only because she is missing out if she’s not. She is definitely acting like the “Cool Girl” from “Gone Girl,” so trying to figure out if she’s for real.
3. Becca
Becca is obviously a cool girl. She’s the one that rocked a romper that first week and completely owned it. She’s been relatively quiet since then but she finally got a group date this week. She proved herself to not be a complete idiot and the two of them actually had a legit conversation. And she didn’t kiss him! She wasn’t risking the chance of mono like all the other girls and she put a hard stop on him making out with her even though she had that romantic view of the LA skyline. What a classy lady. Her tactic worked and she got herself a rose on a group date. Ladies, watch out.
4. Jillian and Britt
Who knew they were so close? All of a sudden they’re all up in each other’s space, holding hands and being friends. These girls could not seem more like opposites, since one is basically a female body builder with a reportedly hairy butt and the other is a “waitress” in Hollywood who loves to give free hugs. But somehow they work as a pair since both seem like they’re willing to do whatever it takes to make out with him. Maybe they can be real sister wives with Chris. No one lives in his town, so no one has to know.
5. Jade
Jade, the Playboy girl, has yet to make her mark on the show but this was her week. She went after Chris in a major way and decided that she should make out with him in his bed. She went there and it paid off since he groped her and pawed at her boob. Can anyone really be mad at her though? She knows where her talents are and she came to play.
Girls to watch:
Ashley I.: A powder-keg of mascara and pent-up virgin energy
Carly: She’s a woman, and he’s a man. She’s officially trying now.
Down in the rankings: Mackenzie. Mackenzie, Mackenzie, Mackenzie. Did you really think you were special? Did you really think he wouldn’t kiss other girls? Did you really think that you were the first girl he kissed? Really? Really? Really????? To her defense, what was that rooftop date where everyone was making out with him in the dark corner? It seemed like a middle school 7 Minutes in Heaven moment.
Double entendre of the night goes to Amber for her comments on drinking fresh goat milk: “Salty and warm. Sounds like something I don’t want to put in my mouth.” She was gone too soon.
