If you’re a human on this planet, by now you’re well aware that the royals have made their way to America. While their itinerary seems jam-packed, I have some suggestions for the happy couple. As a new New Yorker and an avid watcher of Gossip Girl, I’m well-versed in this freezing cold city. In fact, I’m basically a native.
On their agenda thus far? The royals are staying at the Carlyle, heading to a mega-glamorous fundraiser at the home of an advertising executive (I’m picturing a Mad Men style soiree, in a home that could house my tiny apartment approximately 200 times), and heading to the Met for an A-list event to benefit St. Andrews, the school where their fairytale began.
It seems unlikely that America’s favorite couple (sorry, Bey and Jay) would venture to Brooklyn, but if they do, I want them to know that I’m available for friendship. If they’re interested in visiting dive bars and hipster restaurants, I’m totally down. Plus, it’s the perfect opportunity for them to set me up with Prince Harry, who’s obviously the better brother, despite his unfortunate ginger gene. I’d also be an excellent babysitter for Prince George. After all, I had CPR training about a decade ago, which means I’m more than qualified to care for the future King of England.
Here are my suggestions on activities the royals should definitely avoid.
1. Riding the subway.
Whenever I ride the subway (i.e., daily), I can’t help but wonder if this is the New York Taylor Swift is talking about. Sometimes I’m surrounded by an elderly woman with her shoes off on one side and a pile of unknown garbage on the other. Does Taylor have access to another city entirely?
2. Taking an overpriced Uber.
No one wants to be so utterly intoxicated that they pay double or triple price for an Uber ride. I assume that the royals have their own modes of transportation, but just in case — check how much your Ubz will be in advance, so there are no surprises. I personally suggest Schlep instead, because they can take it straight to a delicious deli.
3. Venturing out of the city limits accidentally.
When you’re unfamiliar with this city, it’s easy enough to somehow end up in Queens. My knowledge of Queens is limited to episodes of The Nanny I watched while growing up, and I doubt the royals know more about it than I do (or have any interest in an impromptu visit).
4. This weather.
There, I said it. If you’re not a royal, the best way to stay warm is with Netflix in your bed (watching Reign, preferably, so you can pretend you’re royalty), but it seems like Will and Kate have places to go and people to see. I’d usually suggest Uggs and your coziest North Face, but I doubt that goes with Kate’s signature style. While I doubt that London in the winter is much warmer, at least they can stay bundled by the fire, surrounded by servants paid to bring them hot chocolate (at least, that’s what I imagine their lives are like, a la early episodes of Downton Abbey).
